SO

This evening I have the date with the Man Of The Law. I have not said very much about him really but he is very funny and seems quite nice, and also has an enormous yakuza-style tattoo which I am quite fascinated by. From perusal of his MySpace and Facebookery he seems to have lots of friends - male and female - which is quite encouraging (ie, he's not a shut-in or potentially going to be completely emotionally reliant and crazy - see Heartbreaker Ex). Man, all this dating shit is making me really quite cynical.

The thing is, as I was having to explain to N the other night after he said something in jest and I misunderstood - all this laugh and bluster is a big cover-up. I am the Girl Most Likely To Have A Broken Heart, because I genuinely have faith and believe what people say. I always think the best, secretly, or at least hope fervently for it and I'm usually the last one to get the joke - especially if it's at my expense. I knowI'm good at covering it but I'm frequently reduced to almost-tears if someone says something sarcastic or sharp and I'm not sure if it's a joke or not. I'm always the one who believes everything for the first two minutes, and then feels silly after. As A, my best friend, always says - my picker's broke. It's not just my man-picker though, it's everything. I'm genuinely bad at accepting when things ain't right. Hopeful, perhaps, should be my middle name.

Of course this all means I've got little defence against the disappointments and the hurts and the sticky endings. It's why, I think, the last one left me in such a mess; it's because he lied, and I wanted to believe him so I stayed much longer than I should have, and cheerily covered it up for myself. I know I make fun of myself and of the men I'm meeting here but honestly - honestly? It's mainly because I'm terrified and that's a good way to distance myself from the nerves.

Anyway what I was getting around to is this. I hope that if nothing else I get a better idea of how to judge people in a positive way - not to PASS judgement on them, but to understand better how to interpret how people interact with and treat me, as a person, and to value that as a lesson. I also hope to understand a bit better how my script works, as A always says - why I'll settle for certain things and why I always end up with, essentially, the same fucking guy. I'd like a bit more awareness around that. But you know, for all the sharp edges and the upset, I think I'd be sad if I stopped being all wide-eyed and dumb, completely. I think about how a lot of people - a lot of people I've been close to - are, and you know, I'd prefer to be remembered as the hopeful one and pay the price with a few upsets than the cynical one with the unbroken heart any day.

My god you can tell I've not had enough tea yet this morning, and how rubbish I am at articulating when my condition is such. Mainly, what I am trying to say is: I'd like to meet a nice one who doesn't require me to grow so much armour that I can put aside any kind of wonder and hope.

Now...how the fuck am I going to sort my hair out. I might have to wear a hat.