Early morning muse

I guess this whole exercise has been, largely, about figuring out what sort of relationship I want and where I want to fit into that, and how I want that relationship to fit into my life, rather than - as has been for the first thirty years - the other way around being the case.

So, having said that, let's look at the current state of play.

V (the Italian) - sweet, funny, devastatingly attractive...lowest self esteem ever, depressed, doesn't go out very much...I'm going to have to get back to you on that one. I don't know if I want to be the fixer again. Look at me not going straight for my script for once.

R (came with me to a gig last Friday night) - nice enough, heard nothing from him since, I'm not down to chase.

C (Napoleon Dynamite Benjamin Button guy - well...he's a bit weird. He's nice, but odd. I've not figured out the problem yet.

W (the nice photographer) - showing no inclination to arrange any second dates anytime soon.

N (the Glaswegian) - talks to me most days. Begs me to go and spend the weekend with him. Also knows I've hardly any money and can't afford the petrol, has not offered once to even meet me halfway.

And finally...

A (the much-too-young-Iranian) - you know, I wonder if I'm looking for something that's not there. I think I'm almost put off because it's too simple. He's attractive, funny, perpetually cheerful, has a nice solid family background, no visible madness or trauma, owns his own house and if I'm sick or the weather's bad will cheerfully drive fifty miles to say hi. I always have fun with him. There is no big serious weirdness going on. He clearly thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but not in a creepy Heartbreaker ExBoyfriend kind of way. I don't know. I am quietly, secretly, quite fond of him. I was secretly rather worried last weekend when he had food poisoning and spent 24 hours in hospital and I couldn't get hold of him. Anyway. Last night he phones and goes, what you doing the weekend? I go, nothing so far. He goes, well, this might be too forward so you can say no but do you just want to come over here and we'll go for a drink and a dance and you can meet some of my mates? And do you know, it struck me. Best part of a year I was with the Heartbreaker Ex and he never once wanted to introduce me to anybody. A, my best friend, always says not to make the ordinary extraordinary but you know...what is worse is the feeling of sadness I get when I realise that actually for me it kind of is.

So anyway. Right now he's the only one acting normal, treating me like an actual normal girl, and to be honest it's just nice. At first I was a bit concerned that perhaps it was a case of I-only-like-him-cause-he-likes-me, but actually, that's not how it is really. I caught myself thinking I quite missed his cheery face last night, which was a bit odd. And speak of the devil and he'll text you to say good morning and have you left for work yet.

I'm going to give this some thought. (I didn't say yes for the weekend yet either.)