Catchup, instalment 2: Special cases.

I debated this morning the value of talking about all the crazy, brief exchanges I've had with people and whether they were really of much interest, but on the whole I think they're a: quite amusing and b: help to set everything into context, so I'm going to fill in a few more in this post.

How the site works for me is this: every morning, most mornings, I pop online and see if I've had any mail, and who's around. I don't tend to loiter, but usually what happens is that, as one of the few women under 45 and in my particular area, I am rushed with special messages and mail. Then the fun begins.

Here are some of the stand-outs, presented both as a lesson to us all and also for your reading pleasure.

Workaholic Guy - this one still kind of escapes me a little bit. The same age as me and (from his photos) DEVASTATINGLY cute, he pursued me after observing my musical tastes (and, obviously, the cripplingly gorgeous photos) on my profile. Since it's a bit of a niche there was already lots of common ground and after about thirty emails or so - all sent in the space of about two hours, so you can tell he was keen - he asked me out to dinner the following Monday evening (this was on the Friday). I said sure, since I was going to be in the city anyway after an appointment, and we left it that he'd decide where we were going and would give me a call to say where to meet. So, no phone call. Nothing. Unimpressed, I went home via Sainsbury's and made some soup. On opening my email however I was greeted by a sheepish message saying, um hi. Um. I wrote your phone number down wrong and ended up calling some bemused guy who didn't want to go to dinner with me. Um. Um um. I'm really sorry, I really want to take you out, how about this Friday? And that, dear reader, was the last I heard of him. He technically stood me up twice in one week. I mean...how odd. Perhaps he has terminal Fear of Girls. Perhaps he's secretly...oh my GOD I'VE GOT IT! He's a SUPERHERO! Both of our failed dates surely coincided with some kind of violent crime in the inner city. I'm sure that's what happened. Okay, I actually feel a little bit better about it all now. And he did say he worked in law enforcement. Haha! It's all becoming clear. In between the perverts and the spandex weare-oh wait. Hang on, I sense a theme. God help me.

Mr Apologetic - now he's a whole other matter. 20+ years older than me and resembling my father (oh yeah, I'm interested NOW), his entire profile consisted of his making excuses for his size (which is not inconsiderable but you know what? Who CARES?!). He sent me ONE email, which I replied to in a careful, actually yes you are a little bit out of my desired age bracket and you live MILES AWAY, reply to, and...he promptly sends one back in which he ignored my polite refusal and launched into a long, convoluted story about how his computer was in storage, how he was having to talk to me at the library and how he only gets two hours a day and tomorrow is Wednesday and the library is shut so here is my PHONE NUMBER please call me and and and...

Uh...ohKAY then. As you can probably guess by this point I was ready to go into hiding. I managed to pull it together enough to send another VERY polite email saying that actually, thank you very much for your kind offer but I won't be contacting you as I have had some experience with some keraaaaaaaaaaazy people on this website (no, no not YOU...okay, yes you.) and I don't give my phone number to anyone. EVER. Ok bye. Fortunately, I haven't heard from him again. Possibly because I blocked him. I...don't understand this clutching NEEDINESS but please, please stop it folks. It scares me. RIGID.

Dr Cockface - god amighty. This guy I have no compunction about slagging thoroughly, since he's the single most offensive bastard I've had the misfortune to run across since joining. Back in the mists of time when I first signed up in March, he did a Spider-Man (see earlier) across me - arranged a date and then stood me up and was exceptionally rude when I contacted him afterwards to casually enquire what'd happened. Well, when he re-established contact I thought, oh right then. Perhaps that apology's coming then. Er, no. He actually sent me an email asking me to add him to messenger so that we could have a conversation by IM, and then - get this - after ten minutes of (quite boring) conversation asks "which one are you then?" I just about screamed haha. I said, well, did you not just...read my profile and then ask me to add you? His response? You're not the only fucking woman on the planet, get over yourself. LOL. My response to that? No, and you're not the only fuckwit I'll be ignoring from hereon in. He's gone on the blocked list, haha. (He also went to the moderators for being a rude bastard, and anyone who fancies someone to throw abuse at can have his email address as far as I'm concerned.) Final word on Dr Cockface is that his face would actually be improved by having a great big penis right in the middle of it. At least then there'd be something to look at.

The Magician - actually screamingly funny, but I discovered he'd lied quite considerably about his age and was closer to twenty years older, rather than the initially implied ten or so. Shame really because he sounded very nice. He was very posh and exceptionally risque, a bit like a straight version of Stephen Fry but sadly about the same age, which is no good for me. *shifty eyes* I'll just share this with you and then we'll go back to examining the horrors so far; I'm actually hoping, one day, to meet someone to have a family with and I really want to do that with someone who's experiencing it WITH me. That probably sounds a bit cockeyed, but I'm allowed to want what I want. Anyway the other thing about the Magician? Well, we'd been having a good old chuckle when he drops out casually that he only really likes women who have ENORMOUS legs. I mean not just a little chubby, a little bit of something to chew on (a bit like a particularly satisfying lamb shank, say, in a stocking) - no no. In his words, something around the size of a five-year-old child. And then he launched into the start of what sounded like a potentially over-detailed description of Why He Finds Big Legs Sexy, at which point I terminated the conversation and ran for the hills. It's not good talking to someone who's obviously typing one-handed and panting. Not unless you're both doing it. Haha.